Digimon Dogma
by s1ncer1ty
Summary: Gennai enlists the help of two new Digidestined to help the 01 team defeat the Dark Masters. But what happens when the new Digidestined turn out to be ... Jay and Silent Bob?! Crossover, rated for language and mature themes.


*** Disclaimer Foo: Neither Digimon nor Jay and Silent Bob belong to me. Thank goodness! Erm. Anyways, I wrote this on a whim, and it's a vague attempt at humor. There's some serious character-bashing and a variety of "couples," but I'm not even going to bother to warn you about that. There's too much to mention, and it'd spoil the story.

I will warn you, though, that this contains mature themes and nasty language. Also, if you're not familiar with any of the Kevin Smith movies (Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, or Dogma), you're just not going to get this. Snoochie boochies, Digi-noochies! o.o ***

* * *

"Digimon Dogma"

The two figures skulked deep within the back recesses of the convenience store, one piling packages of overly sweet, pre-packaged pastries into the large pockets of his trenchcoat, the other giving furtive glances to the front clerk as he scoped out the section of the refrigerator filled with beer. Not that the sleeping clerk up front would really have cared, but the blond young man knew that shoplifting a case of cheap beer -- cheaper than a case of soda -- had to be performed carefully. And he had filching down to an exact science.

The blond man cast one last glance to the sleeping teen up front before nodding to his larger, quieter companion at arms. It was about that time. The other young man straightened the baseball cap he wore backwards on his head, unwrapped a twinkie for luck, and proceeded to join up with the blond kid, twinkie in mouth.

"Okay, here's the plan," the blond kid said in a rapid but soft tone, his leg bouncing ever-nervously. He was wired -- too wired. "You work your magic on that case of Schlitz. Put it wherever it is you put it, but _don't_ tell me _where_ you put it 'cause I don't want to know. Then, we walk out of here all casual, 'kay?"

The dark-haired man in the baseball cap nodded resolutely, without a word, finished off his twinkie in one gulp, and opened the refrigerator case while his friend tried to look casual. 'Try' being the key word here. As he opened the refrigerator door, a bright, glittering light from within caused his eyes to widen. His friend took a second or two to catch on before exclaiming, "Holy flying fuck!"

Before they knew it, the light had sucked them into the refrigerator.

The front clerk of the convenience store awoke with a snort and wiped drool from his chin as he looked around the store blearily. He turned a nearsighted eye to the cat, which was sleeping soundly at the register before him, picked the creature up, and tossed it over its shoulder. The cat yowled in annoyance.

"Bad kitty. Wakin' me up," the kid muttered. _Oh well_, he thought. _At least those two hoodlums have left._

In front of the refrigerated beer case, a lone twinkie wrapper fluttered helplessly to the ground.

**

The Digidestined children were exhausted after another day of fighting the Dark Masters. They'd barely made it out of MetalSeadramon's underwater lair alive, and their Digimon were nursing their wounds, all de-digivolved to their Rookie forms because they were so tired.

Tai attempted to boost the kids' morale. "Hey, that was a great fight we put up, wasn't it?" he asked with a tentative grin.

"We almost died," groaned Joe. "_Again._ And our Digimon are now so weak, that if we get into another fight today, we're doomed. Oh man. I think I'm gonna barf."

"Cool!" exclaimed TK. "Can I watch?"

_At least one of us is cheerful,_ Tai thought, when suddenly the air shimmered and a hologram of Gennai appeared before the eight tired children and their Digimon.

"Hey there children!" the old man with the topknot said with a grin. The sixteen figures gathered around the hologram. "Hope you've saved up your strength, because you may be in for another fight."

"That's it. We're toast," Joe moaned.

"I bet you're thinking that you're toast," Gennai continued as if he hadn't even heard Joe. "It just so happens that help is on the way."

"You're going to upload another program to my computer that will allow our Digimon to access their Mega forms?" Izzy asked, in his eyes the bright hope of a computer junkie with the prospect of a new toy at hand.

"No, not exactly," said Gennai. "You're going to get the help in the form of two new Digidestined."

"More children?" gasped Sora.

Gennai sweatdropped. "Erm. Well, not exactly. You'll find out soon enough." The old man pulled up a sleeve of his gi and looked at a digital watch. "By my predictions, they should be here..."

As Gennai trailed off, the sounds of screaming from above filled the air. Someone was falling, and falling fast.

"AaaaaaaaAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!"

*THUD*

"...now," concluded Gennai. He cracked open an eye to peer critically at the two disheveled figures, much too tall to be children, who had fallen right on top of Izzy and Matt. "You're three seconds late."

"Oh, fuck, my head," said the blond-haired one, rubbing at his temple. The other one, who had long dark hair, a thin beard, and a baseball cap on backwards looked up, glancing around quickly at his surroundings.

"Kids, I want you to meet Jay and Silent Bob, the newest members of your team," said Gennai.

"Mrmfmf mrmf mrrrm," muttered Izzy before he managed to poke his head out from beneath the tangle of people on the ground. "Pleased to meet you."

"Aren't you a little _old_ to be Digidestined?" Matt asked sullenly.

Gennai finished up the introductions, "Boys, meet the Digidestined: Tai, Matt, Sora, Izzy, Joe, Mimi, TK, and Kari."

"So which one's Gilligan and which one's the Skipper?" Jay replied with a smirk, just before his gaze met with Mimi's. "Well, hellooooo Ginger!"

The rest of the kids appeared dumbfounded.

"Okay, so if they're new Digidestined, who are their Digimon?" asked Tai, as he assessed the potential of the two newest members of the team.

"I'm glad you asked that," said the hologram of Gennai, who then waved towards a gathering of bushes near the beach.

The green bushes rustled, and out stepped a pair of Digimon. The tiny green reptilian one with the red facemask and fluttering cape flew straight into Bob's arms -- and Silent Bob was almost startled into speaking.

"Bob! I've been waiting for you all my life! I'm your friend! Woohoo! I'm your friend!" the hyper Digimon exclaimed, bouncing happily in Silent Bob's arms, over his shoulders, on top of his head. Bob just fixed his hat with a brow quirked in annoyance.

As the Digidestined children gawked at the creature, Tentomon explained happily, "Is that who I think it is? Oh, yes, it's Komodomon! He's a reptile Digimon with a powerful Twin Eye Beam attack!"

Jay beamed as he realized if Silent Bob's Digimon was that phat, his just had to be even phatter! _Or is that fatter?_ he thought with a sinking feeling in his stomach as he beheld his Digimon. A shaggy, rotund creature with half-lidded eyes loped slowly towards Jay, yawning as he did so.

"Yo, what the fuck is that?" Jay exclaimed.

"Oh," sighed Tentomon. "That's Apathetimon. He's a, ehm, three-toed tree sloth Digimon. He ... doesn't really do much."

"Mrm. Whatever," yawned Apathetimon.

"Tai?" Kari asked, tilting her large eyes up to her brother. "What does 'fuck' mean?"

Tai blinked, his face going pale. "Kari, don't say that! It's a bad word! Mom's gonna wash your mouth out with soap!"

Kari giggled, finding Tai's reaction rather silly, and she danced off singing the bad word over and over. After a while, TK joined her, until Matt smacked him upside his helmet and told him to stop.

"Um, Mr. Jay, sir?" asked Tai, addressing the taller, blond-haired man. "Would you mind not cursing in front of my sister?"

"Huh?" asked Jay. "Yeah, yeah, whatever, kid."

Kari continued to dance around, spinning happily, all the while singing the praises of the glorious F-word. Tai turned and exclaimed, "_I'm_ gonna wash your mouth out with soap!"

Gennai cleared his throat and opened his hands, with two shimmering crests floating from the palms and towards the new Digidestined. "Anyway, Jay and Bob's Digimon can't properly Digivolve without their crests. Bob gets the crest of Valiance."

"What's a 'valiance'?" Joe whispered.

"I think it's a type of curtain," Mimi whispered back.

"And Jay gets the crest of Purity," Gennai continued.

Jay's eyes went wide, and he cursed again, causing Kari to go off on another tangent of singing and dancing while Tai chased her around to make her stop. "What the hell?" Jay cried. "Why do I get the sucky crest? Purity? What's the deal-i-o with that?"

Gennai shrugged. "It was a crest that ended up on the cutting room floor in the American translation. It had to be brought into the plot somehow."

"Fuck," Jay cussed, and Kari squealed with delight.

"Okay, so now what?" Joe asked, his dark eyes widening behind his glasses. "We've got new Digidestined, but they don't know how to make their Digimon Digivolve. We don't even know if they can Digivolve, or if they're even at full strength! Oh, I just know the Dark Masters are going to come back! We're doomed!"

"Yo, four-eyes, chill out!" Jay exclaimed, reaching into his coat pocket and producing a rather aromatic, hand-rolled cigarette. "Take a toke from this and mellow out," he added, lighting the thin paper.

Joe backed away, coughing from the smoke. "I can't. I'm allergic!"

Jay smirked and gave a nod to Silent Bob, who came over and reached deep within his trenchcoat to pull out a brownie wrapped in plastic. "Hey, no problem, geek-boy," Jay said grinning. "This magic brownie of Bob's here will fix you right up!"

The blue-haired boy took the brownie dubiously and nibbled on it. His lips spread open in a wide smile, and he gobbled the rest of it while Gomamon danced around him. "Hey! Joe! Save some for me, willya? I need food to Digivolve!"

Joe clung to the brownie. "No, 's my brownie! All mine!"

Izzy lifted a brow as he watched Joe's reactions, and he sniffed at the air, which was thick with the smoke from Jay's special cigarette. "That's an aromatic blend," the red-headed kid exclaimed. "Exactly what type of herb do you have rolled into your stogie?"

Jay leaned over to Bob, whispering, "Did he just say 'stogie'?" Then, turning to Izzy, he beamed a wide grin. "It's a bit of the wacky weed! Some of the good old Mary Jane! Some phat, chronic doo-bage!" He leaned over and handed the joint to Apathetimon, who took a deep drag from it.

"Oh, yeah," Apathetimon croaked, his eyes glazing over much the same way Joe's had begun to glaze. "That's the stuff."

Sora looked to Joe with concern, her brow furrowing. "Joe, are you having an allergy attack? Your eyes are awfully red!"

"Huuunnnhh?" Joe murmured as he slumped against a tree and sank to the ground with a wide grin. "No way, Sora. It's cool. We're all coooooooool." He began to giggle, his glasses slipping down the bridge of his nose.

Jay beamed. "Yeah, bay-bee! That's the way it goes!" he exclaimed, before his eyes lit up upon spying the laptop strapped to Izzy's back. "Yoink!" As the boy protested, Jay pulled the laptop right from Izzy's backpack and immediately turned it on.

"WetSwedishVixens.com, here I come!" he drooled.

Izzy jumped up and down, trying to pull the laptop from Jay's hands, until he caught sight of the web page the odd Digidestined had pulled up. "Whoah! You mean there's more to the Internet than just Doom and Quake?" he whispered breathlessly.

Jay laughed, as Kari and Tai made another pass around them, with her singing the F-word in succession and him trying to make her stop. Jay dropped the laptop to the ground and gave Izzy a few more choice web sites to peruse. The boy dropped onto his stomach and drooled over his keyboard, his eyes widening to the size of dinner plates.

"Man, look at the hooters on that one!" he murmured, eyes glued to the monitor.

"Matt, what's a hooter?" asked TK.

"Nevermind," replied Matt, as he approached Silent Bob, who held the butt end of the aromatic cigarette of Jay's. "Mind if I take a drag?"

Silent Bob shrugged and handed the joint off to Matt just as a deafening explosion of rocks and debris shook the beach. Out of the water rose a metallic, serpentine figure who blasted at the group of children with a powerful laser beam from its head. "River of Power!"

"Oh no!" cried Tai, halting in his chase of Kari. "It's MetalSeadramon!"

Gennai, who'd been forgotten up until this time, nodded and said, "I leave you kids in good hands. Now, back to M*A*S*H. They're showing the last episode again! Oh, I always cry my eyes out when BJ says goodbye to Hawkeye!" Sniffling, the old man's hologram disappeared.

The Digimon and their humans cried out as MetalSeadramon's blast rocked the beach. Tentomon pulled at Izzy's sleeve, but the boy remained on his stomach, eyes glued to the computer and a puddle of drool forming beneath the keyboard.

Gomamon wasn't having much luck with his human either. "Joe! I have to Digivolve!"

Joe just laughed until tears ran down his cheeks. "I get it now! Digi-volve. You're a Digimon, and you evolve!" The boy grabbed his stomach and rolled on the ground with laughter, as if it was the funniest thing in the world.

"Ohhh! Hey, that makes sense!" slurred Matt, falling down and leaning against Joe. "Have I ever told you I love you, man?" Gabumon could only stand by and facefault at the spectacle.

Tai sniffled. "But, Matt, I thought you loved _me!"_

"I love you, Tai!" Sora said as she clasped her hands together, her eyes twinkling with hope.

"Ewww."

None of the other Digimon could muster the strength to Digivolve, their power drained from the earlier fight. Silent Bob knew it was time to act. With a swish of his black trenchcoat and a wordless nod to Komodomon, he held out his Digivice (which he figured he'd just filched from the convenience store earlier). Komodomon understood, and a bright light began to envelop the Digimon.

"Komodomon, Digivolve to... RAPTORMON!"

The little reptile had grown in mass to a large dinosaur-like creature with razor-sharp teeth and wicked hooks for claws. Silent Bob chased after his Digimon, his coat fluttering in the breeze, as Raptormon leapt into the air and sliced at MetalSeadramon with a heroic swoop!

"Claws of Steel!" Raptormon hissed, sparks flying from his fists as he slashed at the Ultimate level Dark Master.

Jay gawped, his jaw nearly hitting the ground. He turned to his Digimon, and cried out, "Go on! Get him! You're a superhero too, aren't you?"

Apathetimon yawned and shrugged. "Hrmph. Next thing you'll be telling me to do is get a job."

As the children watched, their Digimon too weak to be of any use to the fight, Silent Bob leapt into the air, landing on Raptormon's back as the two of them soared towards MetalSeadramon. The setting sun silhouetted the lean, muscular figure of Raptormon, with Silent Bob's trenchcoat fluttering behind him like a hero's cape. The reptile Digimon landed a final blow to MetalSeadramon, and the serpent fell into the sea with a dying cry of anguish.

Silent Bob flipped twice through the air and landed right on his feet. He thrust his fist into the air and exclaimed, "Boo-yah! I mean--" He then cleared his throat and quieted down, and struck a nonchalant pose, his arms crossing over his chest.

Mimi gasped, little hearts standing out in her eyes, and she rushed to Silent Bob's side. "Oh, Bob! You were so brave!" she gushed.

Izzy, Joe, and Matt sweatdropped as Mimi ran into the waiting arms of the new Digidestined. "But, Mimi! I thought you were my girl!" they all cried out at once, before looking at each other incredulously. "Hey!"

Jay scowled and glared at Apathetimon. "This is all your fault, shithead. If it weren't for you,_ I'd_ have gotten the girl."

"Nag, nag, nag," moaned Apathetimon. "You sound just like my parents."

Sora popped up behind Jay and fluttered her eyelashes at him. "You know, I'm still single."

Jay gaped at Sora, a look of disgust crossing his face momentarily, before he then sighed. "Shit, are you even old enough to buy beer?"

"Ummmm. No?"

"Oh, what the hell?" Jay muttered, and looped his arm around Sora's shoulders while she wrapped herself around him. "You like comic books?"

"La la la la! Fuck fuck!" sang Kari, and she happily danced past Tai, who commenced his chase of her once more.

Mimi and Bob, and Jay and Sora walked off into the sunset, while the rest of the Digidestined and their Digimon watched in shock. And then the sky opened up with warring angels, and bishops dressed up like George Carlin foretold of another prophecy, and God was revealed to really be Alanis Morissette... but that's a story for another day!   



End file.
